The year that changed everything

It was a rather chilly day in 2010, seemingly normal but it was about to change my life forever. I, at the time 16-years-old, was still luckily unaware. On my way to the hospital after school that afternoon, I was thinking about the meeting I was about to have with my mum’s doctor (let’s call her Karin) later that day. I hadn’t thought too much of it as I had simply assumed she’d tell me everything was fine, and that we – me, mum, dad and then 18-year-old brother Erik – could soon go home and carry on with our lives.

My hopes were to be proven distant dreams. When I got to the hospital, I got the impression that something was wrong. Badly wrong. Dad seemed tense and mum barely responded to my questions. “How had the check-up gone earlier?” I asked. Karin will tell you, mum said. “Everything is fine, right?” You’ll find out soon, she said. Mum and I had always been very close so I was confused over why she was so short in her answers, but I would soon understand why. Shortly after, me, Erik, dad and Karin went to a separate room to speak. And when Karin started tearing up before even getting to the point, I started adding it all together. Then it hit me.

My mum was dying. Fighting off tears, Karin told me and Erik that mum’s cancer had spread. It was too aggressive. There was simply nothing they could do – no treatment would work. The second time my mum got cancer, it had come back with full force and was now terminal. “How could this happen?!” I shouted in tears at Karin. “Please tell me you can do something!” I was taking it all out on Karin. So did Erik. Whatever we felt at that point, she had to face the brunt of it. Meanwhile, our dad was trying to give comfort and calm us down. Not an easy task, given the situation. Around a month later, mum died.

Almost eight years later I still struggle talking about it. It hurts too much. Instead, I make sure to hold on to the good memories. I still got 16 years with mum, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful. She was my best friend and our times together make me smile. Whether the flashbacks are from our shopping trips or we’re baking and talking about ambitions in life, or watching Mamma Mia for the 24th time, singing along to all the ABBA songs – they all make me smile.

So, why did I decide to open up those wounds again by writing this? Mum will always be, alongside dad, my biggest role models in life. Dad had to raise me and Erik, two teenagers whose worlds suddenly fell apart, while at the same time grieving his wife of 20 years. But we’ve all come out on the other side, in my opinion, still caring human beings. I will always admire my dad for that. Because how do you move on from something like this? The truth is, you don’t. You just learn how to live with the pain, which intensifies on days such as anniversaries, family gatherings, and Mother’s Day. I’ll think about my mum every day for the rest of my life, and every time someone mentions their mum I think of my own. It hurts but I’ve come to accept that it always will.

What happened in 2010 has shaped me as a person. I’ve always been a dreamer but it has made me work harder. As cliché as it is, you never know what day will be your last so make the most of life while you can. This website has been a project for several months now. I had planned to launch it at the beginning of the year, but life came in between and it wasn’t my main priority. Now I’m over the moon to be able to finally launch it on Mother’s Day. I dedicate this website to mum. It’s one step further in my career and I know it’ll help me move forward. Just like mum’s attitude to life has helped me ever since I was a little baby.

Lastly, I have to admit that publishing this is slightly nerve-wracking. I could easily have launched my website with a blog post about some of the social issues I’m so passionate about. Or I could have scrapped the blog altogether. But then people who know me well, know I never go for the easy option. If that was the case, I wouldn’t be living abroad, almost 2,000 kilometres away from my family. Neither would I be freelancing and launching this website on top of a demanding full-time job. But I will never ever forget where I came from. So here I am. Truly exposing myself in the hope that it gives everybody who reads this a better chance of understanding me and of who I am as a person.